Guilt of a Working Mom

Everything was normal back then. I am focused with the career I have and I can enjoy the perks of earning-your-own, buy-what-you-want. I can still go to any occasions I'd like to be in. I have plenty of time to read books, to have a daily journal, to draw, to create a new blog and to have small talks with friends. I can sleep over 8 hours a day and I can enjoy being me.

I am a working student back then, taking up Marketing (my 2nd course after I finished 2 yrs of Hotel and Restaurant Operations). I was so happy to see my to-do list full and my planner busy. I always wanted to be productive, to do more in every time that I'll have a chance.

everything changed when a child popped out from my tummy...

The money that I am earning no longer spent for 'what I want" but for what my baby needs. The get-together are forgotten. My books are dusted and my journals were left blank. My blogs were never updated. Small talks with friends seems like an alumni reunion. Sleep? 'What's that?'

When it comes to motherhood, one is the toughest - how you manage your time. Specially for a working mom like me. Me-time is really impossible. After a long day at work, I'll be at home getting ready for another job - taking care of my family. Even if me and my husband already talked about the chores we should be sharing (since we decided that he'll stay at home to look after our son while we're looking for a yaya), everything will still be shouldered by the heroic mom.

You are already tired at work, typing and talking and thinking. All you'll want to do is  relax and sleep. But you'll see the unwashed dishes, the diapers at the corner of the house. Toys that were scattered... Dusty floor, soiled clothes and ... feels like hell!

Then you'll see your son, like an angel when asleep... Everything will changed. Tiredness slowly disappears and you'll gain an extraordinary energy to clean things up.

 At 2 or 3 AM, you are ready to sleep... slowly, you will lie down and 'Oops!' the baby will cry asking for milk...

***

Physical tiredness is bearable. But you know what really breaks my heart?

The feeling that my son won't come to me first for a hug or kiss. Won't like me at his side when he'd like to sleep.
He will always call his "didi" for assistance and yes for anything - for his milk, food, his toys, if he'd like to take a shower, if he has poo-poo, if he wants to go out...

It is sad to see that the bond between me and my son is not as strong as their bond (him and his dad). That I need to sacrifice that closeness to go to work and give our family a better life.

You might say that it should be my husband working and earning for us, traditionally that should be the way. But every family has different situations. I am not saying that forever my husband will be a 'home dad', but until we can't afford that I still go to work, our set up won't change.

The guilt of a working mom is the imbalance time spent towards her job and her real role - motherhood. But it's fulfilling that I am doing all I can for my family. Maybe my son will not appreciate this at the moment, but I know someday he will understand. We still have a lot to explore. I know I can still be a better (working) mom.

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